But then, I admit that I am a Steve Martin fan. I like just about anything he writes or acts in. Even, um, The Man with Two Brains. Ahem.   >> 1:46:48 PM 
 
 
Ah yes, it's that time of year. The time of year when we hand out candy to kids for no discernable reason. Lots of people will spin you all sorts of reasons as to why Halloween is the way it is, but to me it holds no religious meaning -- it's just one of the rare secular traditions that still kicks ass. It may not be my new year. It may not be a reason for me to bemoan the "idolatry" of religions I don't understand. But danged if it isn't still fun handing out candy and scaring myself with another episode of "Fear".

And for some of my friends, it is a new year. So happy new year to you. :) May all your good endeavors be successful.

Which reminds me. To whomever left the chocolate and the User Friendly cartoon on my desk, I thank you -- but honestly, I'm not a pagan. I still appreciate the thought, though. And the chocolate.

Unlike last year, I did not dress up this year. I am wearing the "Witch Test" t-shirt that a Gardnerian friend gave to me when she was cleaning out her closet a couple years back. It's a little small, which keeps distracting me. Usually the continental shelf isn't so obvious in my normal clothes, but in this shirt I "jut out" a little more than normal. And since there's lots of tiny text all over this thing, it means people are going to be trying to not be obvious while they stare at my breasts all day.

There's a reason I only wear this shirt once a year. :)
 

Not simple, Melissa. In my case, I had to come to the realization that hatred was a wasted emotion. It was inefficient for me to hate anyone or anything. Does that sound clinical? It's true.

It also was the realization -- not just knowing, but being cognizant of the fact -- that even the most despised individual is a child of God. Not hating doesn't deprive me of anger or sadness, mind you. I still get angry and upset at people for doing things to themselves and others that are hurtful, but I can't hate them. When you hate, you blind yourself. It leaves you open to a lot of attacks. It invites the other wasted emotion, fear, into your life. Fear and hatred are usually bedfellows anyways. Both are a waste of my time.

I owe a lot of my view on hate to my mother. My brother and sisters know what I'm talking about. Whenever I would say as a child, "Mom, I hate this." she would turn to me and say, with complete seriousness, "Stephanie, hate is a very strong word." And she always said it. All through my childhood, all through my teenage years. It wasn't a part of my regular vocabulary.

Hate is a very strong word.

I can hear her saying it.

I don't hate people. I don't hate anyone. For the ones who have done me harm, I feel sadness. I feel sad that they have had a life where they feel the need to lash out at people around them. I've said this before, though. If there was something I could do to reach out to them, I would.

I think some people are afraid of letting go of hatred because -- I dunno. Maybe they think it'll turn them into some sort of neutered Hollywood spiritual guru from a cheesy movie. I stopped hating. I didn't stop being angry. There are things that still make me angry -- the fact that children still go to bed in fear of family members, for example. That's a good way to stir me up. But sometimes anger can be righteous, and my religion even has a story about just that.

Maybe someday I'll push past the anger. Pushing past the hate wasn't easy, but my mother laid an excellent foundation for me.

And there are so many people to love...why should I waste any time hating anyone or anything when I don't even have time to love all the wonderful people in my life?

In other news, check out my l33t skillz!   >> 4:02:33 PM 
 
 
A very happy spiritual birthday to my spiritual brother, kai-Imakhu Antybast.

And to Phil, my other brother, I just wanted to say...thanks. You're a great brother, even if we don't get to see each other very often anymore.   >> 1:48:27 AM 
 
 

10.29.2000

I now present to you irrefutable proof of one of the greatest conspiracies of the gaming and literary world.

Yes, it's true. I, a mere mortal here in Mooville, am about to blow the top off one of the industry's greatest secrets. A secret too hot for PC Gamer or the Daily Radar magazine. A double-pronged secret that encapsulates both the gaming market and the market of long-winded semi-erotic horror novels.

A secret that may cost me my life.

What do I speak of? What is it that I know, that you may not? What is it that I'm risking soul and limb for? Why, it is simply this:

JOHN "Daikatana" ROMERO IS SECRETLY THE INSPIRATION BEHIND THE VAMPIRE ARMAND.

Don't believe me? Check out these pix...and decide for yourself:
 

John Romero (photo from NY Times interview)
 

Get him away from my neck!	We originally chalked up his pale skin tone to the industry standard for computer geeks and gamers. But now...now we're not so sure.	Gaming god indeed!

There...the story is told...the deed is done...just remember, vamps. I watch Buffy, and I know your weaknesses.   >> 1:07:17 AM 
 
 

10.28.2000

It's nearly 5 am, but I finished the outline for SWORD OF SHADES. A lot of it is short, spartan sentences, but I don't need to go into too much detail.

Bed. Bed good. Maybe tomorrow I'll start cutting into the real work -- fleshing out the framework. :)   >> 4:41:16 AM 
 
 
One pot of coffee later, she remembers that she stopped drinking coffee regularly months ago, and consuming four mugs of it before bedtime will definitely put a dent in her sleeping schedule.

Saturday is chicken pot pie. Sunday is brats in wheat tortillas with cheddar, honey mustard, and green onions.

Tonight it's waiting for the coffee to wear off. ;)   >> 1:58:47 AM 
 
 

10.27.2000

From a mailing list I'm on:

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Lychee lollipops are tasty.

$40 for a new headlight (the old one gave out a few nights ago), $12 for the yearly inspection. Missouri has a property tax on automobiles that has to be paid before you can register yours for another year, so I owe $100 in that, and the registration fee itself is $30. Ah, the monetary duties of being mobile.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

• He was a good fish. He was very blue.
• I was the only one who ever fed him.
• He liked to play with Beth.
• He was probably not a young fish when Dave bought him.
• Man, could he blow bubbles!

At least now when I throw candy over the cube wall at Dave, I won't have to worry about it landing in Moe's bowl. Not that it ever did, mind you. But it was one of those things I had to think about.

So, what can I say about Ninja Resurrection (Makai Tensho) other than...hm...it sucked. I was expecting fight scenes, and there was some of that, but they spent waaaaaaaaay too much time trying to develop a plot without actually getting anywhere. Literally. The second episode ends just as the bad guys are running off to kill the good guys. And the DVD stops there.

Kind of like how Tokyo Babylon stopped just as they were developing the true villain.

Kind of like how Fist of the North Star (Hokuto no Ken) stopped, leaving the viewer with only three things: no conclusion, tons of questions, and definitive knowledge on how to say "You are already dead." in Japanese.

I hate it when animé companies do that. It's one of the things that keeps me from watching animé, the fear that I might come across a series I like, get halfway through it, and then find out that either it has no conclusion, or the company releasing it in America has decided to not release anymore because it isn't making enough money.

So now, because they have been completely turned off by Ninja Resurrection, I have to rent Ninja Scroll so that Dave and Jeff can see a superior renditon of the same historical time period and character (Yigyu Jubei). With better animation, plot, and action scenes. Hai!

For those of you who have been following my animé babblings, Ninja Scroll is not related to Ninja Resurrection insofar as being a prequel or sequel. ADV Films, when they released Ninja Resurrection, tried to capitalize on the modest success of Manga Entertainment's Ninja Scroll by throwing the name "Jubei" into the title of their release. Yagyu Jubei -- who is apparently a historical figure of some importance in Japan if you go by the number of animé that feature him -- was a samurai/ninja who existed either in history or legend (I think he did actually live, but I don't know for certain -- forgive my lack of knowledge of Japanese history). So it was legal for ADV to make use of the Jubei name -- he is one of the characters in Resurrection -- but it was also misleading to a lot of people because the film is a) not up to par with Scroll and b) was not produced, written, or directed by Madhouse, the people who produced, wrote, and directed Scroll.

(And who also are doing Trigun and...yes, that's right! Jubei-chan the Ninja Girl! Heh.)

So that's the sordid, complicated story of Ninja Scroll and Ninja Resurrection, and let's hope ADV Films learned their lesson (though I doubt they did).

As a note, I really did like Tokyo Babylon and I even liked Fist of the North Star, but I didn't like how they didn't have an ending. I want closure, dammit.   >> 2:34:19 AM 
 
 

10.26.2000

Bear, they forgot to include Blaze n' Blades.

Dave has me addicted to Bust-A-Move 4. "Poppu!" "Biiiiiiggu ue-bu!"   >> 4:48:41 PM 
 
 
I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling like -- pardon my Medieval Latin -- crap, so I went back to sleep and told Jeff to tell work that I was taking a half-day. In that order.

It's Thursday. That's good. Weekend is only 28 hours away. I haven't been missing my sleep window, but I have been sleeping badly, and I've woken up with a headache twice this week. Time to change the pillows. I think I've also been having strange visions while I'm half-asleep again. I have got to buy that shrine cabinet.

I'm out of raisin cinnamon swirl bread, too.

Don't laugh. Raisin bread is a staple of my mornings. Raisin toast with peanut butter. And a glass of milk (or tea). That's my breakfast. It's got to be better than the sugar-bombs that Dave eats.

I did ten minutes of excercise today before my feet gave out. I didn't wear tennis shoes, which was a Very Bad Idea, but I was eager and couldn't find them. Aerobics without shoes on is Very Stupid, Dear Reader. But I never claimed to be a member of Mensa. Stevie "Daikatana" Case is a member of Mensa. Did you know that? Interesting fact, hm! Yup.

The cat still loves me. She was the one who convinced me to sleep in today and take it easy. I bet she could be a member of Mensa. Heck, I bet she could run Mensa. That's how smart my cat is. Let's hope the CIA doesn't find out. I'd hate it if they turned my cat into some sort of diabolical super weapon.   >> 3:56:05 PM 
 
 
Sometimes I think I want to watch Maison Ikkoku.

Then I remember it's a 96-episode animé series that sold so poorly Viz has decided not to finish subbing it. Oh, and there's a snowball's chance in Amarillo that it'll ever go to DVD.

Sometimes I wish I had a little more money and a fluent grasp of the Japanese language.

But then, how can you resist a series where the female lead is named Kyoko?   >> 1:14:35 AM 
 
 

10.25.2000

Oh, me. Right. Hrm.

Recent reminders of already-learned lessons in webdesign: Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. I spent yesterday working on a color system based on cookies and what the user selects, and then decided today it was probably too convoluted for most people to understand.

So I'm rewriting it today.

That's how it goes, though, when you're learning.

Problems I've found so far with DreamWeaver Ultradev, running on Windows 2k:

• Program crashes when a template tries to update a read-only file attached to it.
• If you create a new file attached to a template and your first bit of HTML is an unclosed tag,
DreamWeaver thinks the entire page is an uneditable region. You have to detach the template, fix the tag, and then reattach the template to fix the problem.
• Same goes for unclosed ASP code. Dagnabbit.
• Even when you select "Check Out Entire Site", the entire site doesn't always get checked out.
• Menus tend to get lost behind other menus. If I try to use CTRL+ALT+I to insert an image, the menu for it pops up behind the page I'm editing, making it impossible for me to select the image I want to insert.
• The check out system doesn't always know a file is checked out (Dave and I have experienced this problem, to much frustration).

Personally, I don't feel DreamWeaver is quite ready to handle large-scale sites, though if they eliminated the above problems it would be close. What is probably the most annoying to me is that the is still unable to process simple ASP code (<%=variableToBeEchoed%>) in its WYSIWYG mode. I was hoping that because it was UltraDev that it would do this -- but, no, it doesn't. It would make my job so much easier if it did. (sigh)

I scheduled my trip home for December. 19th to the 27th. Eight days of family. Yay :) My travel schedule looks like this right now: November - Columbus, Ohio. December - San Diego, California. February or January - Chicago, Illinois.

Still plowing away at the outline for SWORD OF SHADES. I came up with the solution I wanted for the stuff that was bothering me. It needs some refinement, but I think it's the original idea I'd been mining for. I'm up to nine pages of outline and notes. I think with another night or two of work, it should be done and I can go back to revising the old chapters.   >> 1:02:10 PM 
 
 
As I recall, Suck's trading cards were better than the set PC Gamer put out recently.

But then, the ones Something Awful did a month or so ago -- on the same subject, with most of the same people -- were better than PC Gamer's, too.   >> 12:49:32 PM 
 
 

10.24.2000

Congratulations on the article, Carol!!   >> 12:19:15 PM 
 
 
Yay :) I'm helping to caffeinate the web, one page at a time....   >> 1:21:05 AM 
 
 

10.23.2000

I think it's telling that Peter S. Beagle was a creative consultant on one of my favorite cartoons as a child of eleven ("Wildfire").

I don't know if the show still holds up after all these years, but it fit into that time period when I was going through the typical girl growth phase that included "horse craziness".

And y'know, now that I think about it -- I probably saw The Last Unicorn for the first time back then, too.

Ah, yes. Fond memories.

The book was better, though. It was so amazingly magical. It's going to be years before I can write like that.   >> 9:51:24 PM 
 
 
Well, this is...odd. And disturbing.   >> 5:16:58 PM 
 
 
It's Bast day! It's Bast day! Jump and shout! Let it all out! Eat a steak! Whyyyy? Cuz IT'S BAST DAY!

My dear sister-in-spirit-in-law is providing a resource center for clinical depression on her website. I'm proud of her :)

So the deep thought floating through my head today is that those who have great capacity for hate must also have a great capacity for love. But I don't know if that's true. I wish there was a way I could wrap this thought into one sentence, but it's just not coming to me. I'll have to think about it.   >> 12:43:34 PM 
 
 
I'm thinking: It's so peaceful down here, in the dark, with my cat and my computer and my music. All by myself.

I'm thinking: Will I still have this kind of peace if I get married and have kids?

I'm thinking that I won't know that until I get there.   >> 12:20:20 AM 
 
 

10.22.2000

Have you noticed that people are more upset when they see an animal in danger in a movie or book than when an adult human character is in danger? Why is that? Why did we care more about Ripley's cat in Alien than we did Ripley's crew members?

I would say animals implicitly trust people, but they don't. It's after they've gotten to know you that they trust you almost unconditionally. There is that time before they know you that they're untrusting, but after that -- whoosh. Amber knows I'll always feed her, take care of her, clean her litter, and find time to play with her. Maybe she doesn't know it the way I know quadratic formulas, but she relies on it.

And in response to that trust, she loves me. She loves me more than Jeff or Dave or the guy who came to fix our door today. She keeps me company and entertains me.

She's not human, she doesn't replace human companionship, but who says all we need is human companionship? There's something to be said for the unquestioning love of a pet; it reminds us the universe is not as harsh as we'd believe it to be. Part of my reasons for acquiring Amber were the loneliness of my bed at night, and the other part is that I've had animals all my life in my household. There was a gap in my heart without her.

There will be a gap in my heart when she's gone. A cat-shaped hole, to borrow from a CD title.

But for now, she's still here and ready to try and knead the soft dough of my thighs with her clawpaws. She's still warm and furry, and reminding me that bedtime is not so far away tonight.

I have this theory about my cats and the afterlife. Someday I'm going to die, and I'm going to go to the west, and my Parent is going to be waiting there for me, and as I attempt to gracefully enter the Blessed Fields, the ghosts of all the cats I've ever owned are going to come running out from the horizon like water from a floodgate...

...and promptly trip me.   >> 12:21:25 AM 
 
 

10.20.2000

Last year at this time, I was going into work at 3 am and going home at 1 pm.

Now I go into work (around) 11 pm and go home at 8 pm.

On the bright side, I'm healthier and I get to see the sun more often.

On the down side, it's now impossible for me to get all the way through my MP3 music list without interruption.

There are sometimes, when I'm working on projects, where I miss the dead hours that my work time used to fill. It was nice to sit in the dark drinking tea and singing along to the music blasting out of my speakers and feel like I was an island floating alone in the darkness.

But most of the time, I don't miss it. I don't miss feeling lethargic and feeling like a ghost in the company of the living. I don't miss the lack of decent places to eat (because nothing is open when your work day starts at 3 am). I don't miss walking through the parking lot at night wondering if some maniac was going to jump out at me.

This isn't really going anywhere. I just noticed today when I was trying to get through three songs I really wanted to listen to today that I was interrupted every few minutes by someone asking my opinion or wanting my assistance or coming to look at what I was doing. And while it's annoying to be interrupted, it's nice that people know who I am.

I don't feel like a ghost anymore.

The troubled words of a troubled mind
    I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but it's 58 hours since
    that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore

And then I opened up my mail today and found this. And had to stop myself from crying in my cubicle because I didn't want anyone to think something was wrong with me.

Thank you, everyone. It's been a week of gifts. Thank you.   >> 12:30:08 PM 
 
 

10.19.2000

Even if there are parts of Wiccan religion that I disagree with, I believe every person has a right to practice the religion that makes them happy and closer to God. This is so important, and I'm happy when I hear a friend of mine has made that connection.

George W. Bush, however, doesn't understand this, or he's ignorant, or he just doesn't care.

That scares me.

I'm not a political person. I'm really not. But I don't really want to move to Canada anytime soon because my president is an ignorant puppet figure.   >> 3:43:41 PM 
 
 
True life pet-naming stories:

When I rescued Amber from the boredom of her Humane Society cage back in 1997 (note: this was a couple days before I joined the House of Netjer), I had every intent on giving her one of a whole slew of names that I'd concocted while lying in bed the nights before, writing lists in my head. But when I saw her, and saw the color of her fur and eyes, I came to the conclusion her name was Amber instead of, oh, say, Autumn or Chi or Tomservo.

The first thing I did when I got my cat was to inform my friends and relatives. Since I didn't have a web-journal, I had to do this the old fashioned way. I called them.

My (step)father was the person who answered the phone when I called my mom's house to tell her. The conversation is paraphrased, but accurate to what transpired:

So you have to understand, the first thing I thought when Ankhka told me he was seriously considering naming his cat "Tawney" (as per Peryt's suggestion) was: Oh great. Amber and Tawney. The Green Valley Drive Porn Kitties.

My mind didn't fall into the gutter, kids. It was bred there.   >> 2:25:18 AM 
 
 
Holy cat. I've been taking for granted the fact that most of the Jones girls are quite good at producing babies without much trouble. Please feel better, Gwen.   >> 2:09:47 AM 
 
 

10.18.2000

Thought-provoking article on D.A.R.E., a US program intended to increase drug-abuse awareness in school children.   >> 2:17:52 PM 
 
 
Mysterious gifts update! Melissa not only is evil, but she also fessed up to having put Death on my desk, and she did a really cool recap of her side of the renfaire excursion. At least one of us brought a camera.

Now I just have to find out how a Deadhead t-shirt wound up in my mailbox, and the mundane mysteries of my life will be solved.   >> 12:12:26 PM 
 
 
Strange gifts keep showing up in my email. On Sunday night I came home to find that there was a package in my mailbox, addressed to Stephanie Cass at my new address.

Upon opening it, I found a tie-dyed t-shirt with Grateful Dead bears on it. Now, I know I didn't order it for myself because I'm not a Deadhead by any stretch of even my imagination, and while the shirt is amusing, it's not the sort of thing I'd buy for myself. I did wear it on Monday, which caused some curious looks from employees who are used to seeing me in black with a side of black.

Today I walked into work to find Death on my desk, and no one is fessing up to having bought it. Yet.

I'm not sure what to think about all these sudden random gifts, but I do appreciate them. :) I wish I knew who was sending them. I'd like to thank them, but it's hard to do that when you don't know who they are.

Corey, I'm not the evil one. That's Melissa.

Oh, and the Simucon site went live. :)   >> 12:01:52 PM 
 
 

10.17.2000

Long day at work. SimuCon site goes live tomorrow. Still working on Operation: Bring Me a Lollipop. Did some special coding for today's Daily Devotion. Talked to Neb, who I have missed seeing online. I miss all of you who I haven't talked to in a while. I'm sorry I've been so busy.

Escaflowne arrived. It's not as engrossing as I expected, but I have a sense it's going to get better, so I'll be pre-ordering the next volume next month. The sound is disappointing...I've been listening to the MP3s, and the quality of those recordings is better than the quality on the DVD. The Japanese voice acting is even better than I expected, and the American is okay, though the translator who cobbled the script together either was working with a summary or saw fit to revising things. Very unusual, seeing as Bandai was almost religious in their efforts to translate GundamW exactly as it was delivered in Japanese. (But then, GundamW was a series where half the story was in the dialogue.)

Still...the Japanese voice acting is really excellent. I'm sticking with the subtitled version, but you knew that already.

There's very little silliness involved, and the battle scenes are keen, and like I said...I think it's going to get better.

TRIGUN tomorrow night, and maybe more work on the Phoenix Coffee site.

Susan wants to know what all of you wanted to be when you grew up. Go tell her a story.   >> 1:33:20 AM 
 
 

10.16.2000

Someone tell me why Peter Wingfield can't pick better roles, hunh? We were watching the atrocious Queen of Swords last night, and he made his entry as one of the main characters -- a doctor from Texas who, like main character of the series, doesn't have the accent to match his character.

And why, you ask, were we watching this Zorro a la Xena avec Millennium ripoff? I don't know. But it was fun to ridicule, though I wish Peter Wingfield could get a less contrived series, just once. I think he's a good actor, he certainly is dishy in that cerebral/sickly sort of way, and I'd love to see him do a role that won't earn him an instant spot on the fan convention circuit for the next ten years.   >> 2:03:35 PM 
 
 

10.15.2000

Someone in the Czech Republic bought per-Bast.com. Well. That's interesting.   >> 9:59:54 PM 
 
 
Mooville Goes to Cowtown

I wish I'd brought a camera.

There were more cows, cow replicas, and restaurants named after bovine things than I think I've seen in my entire life. The landscape was all shades of green, rust, and marigold. The Missouri river met up with us again 150 miles down the road, which was very strange since we live ten miles away from one branch of it out here in St. Peters.

The hotel had strange showers. Half-circles, with very little water pressure. I used too much shampoo the first day, and had to scrub furiously to get it out.

It was nice to see John again. I missed having him around. John is hard to describe. He has an air of straight-faced seriousness, but he's not really -- he has a sense of humor, but he often seems very deliberate in his responses and phrasings. Whereas I'm all over the map.

I got to know more about Bruce, which was nice. I've worked with him for several years now, but I've never sat in a car with him for extended periods, and the experience was enlightening.

The Faire -- what can I say? The Living History Society put it on -- the same ones responsible for the California one -- and it was excellent. My friends who went in costume looked fantastic. Melissa looked exquisite in her cream-colored dress and cloak. Bruce, in his pearl gray waffle-knit sweater and dockers, was quite striking.

I bought pieces for a costume of my own. The last bodice I bought was when I was 15, and I've, erm, developed since then. The new one is a bit too big, so I won't be producing a whole lot of cleavage with it, but it does fit. I also bought a twelve-point skirt. Both in dark green, to contrast with my maroon chemise. All the colors of my previous garb were maroon, blue, and green so it works.

I also bought a pale green ceramic mug with a lion's face on it. It was 25% off, microwave friendly, so I had to. :)

Then I looked at all the stands selling incense, soap, and fragrances and I thought, "I could do this." And I let that thought dwell.

We went to the Golden Ox (I told you we were in Cowtown) and I had a really excellent steak. Hans paid for the meal. I was shocked, touched, amazed. That made the second meal of mine that someone had paid for that weekend, and I greatly appreciated it. The picking up of the tab was followed by Wintress buying the table a round of drinks. I had my first lemondrop shot ever. It was excellent, and that too was greatly appreciated -- as was the escargot I got to try off Valerie's plate.

It was a weekend of firsts, really. It was a lot of fun, and I went to bed every night very tired, and looking forward to the next day.

On the drive home I saw a sign for a historical cemetery for Confederate soldiers north of Higginsville, Missouri. We decided to take a break from the drive and go visit it. As it turned out, the cemetery was on the grounds of what used to be a home for Confederate soldiers who were too infirm after the war to work. The first burial dated to 1891, the last to 1950. The grounds where the housing used to be has been turned into a park and memorial, and I'll honestly say I don't know what I feel about it. It's strange to feel sympathy for soldiers who were on what is commonly viewed as the "wrong" side of the battlefield (as if there's ever a "right" side). I wish them peace, and I think they've found it. The cemetery was very well tended and quiet. A good place for souls to rest.

We came back tonight to find that Remington apartments (our old digs) had decided to charge us $425 in cleaning fees, at least half of which were...unnecessary. We got $75 back from them, though, and since we didn't take photos or do a walk-through, we can't really contest the charges. We took the $75 and went to the casino, lost it all, and finished the night at the buffet there.

So that was my first real renfaire in about six years. It was quite fun. I'm ready to do it again...next year. :)   >> 9:43:12 PM 
 
 

10.13.2000

And so we head off into the wild blue yonder, to perhaps take our minds off more tedious matters. Will see you all Sunday night.   >> 6:24:50 PM 
 
 
Little Golden Books That Never Made It. I'm sure Bear will like this one. :)   >> 1:15:43 PM 
 
 
Planning things has never been my strong point, but I guess I have to learn it. I have to plan out the new web project, the other new web project, and my book.

See, I've hit a floundering point, again, in the story, and it's probably because I never plan out my longterm projects (like books). This happened with the first one, the second one, and now this one. I have it in my head what's going to happen, but I don't get too far past that. Some people can work with just what's in their heads, but I never played chess much, and when I tried I got frustrated. Some people don't need a chessboard or pieces to play, but I do. And I guess I need to learn how to summary, even if it is more like work than creation.

So planning I do, planner I am. It seems to be what I need.

We have DSL now. Wonderful, creamy, low-fat DSL. Love the DSL. Cuddle the DSL. Let the DSL know its inherent amazingness. The DSL loves you, you know. The DSL seems to be faster than the cable modem, though that statement has not yet been scientifically proven.

A friend and I sat up tonight and exchanged words we love. Mine were laconic and enervated. Hers were languid and soft. And then I went home listening to Little Earthquakes and walked into the house to find Searching for Bobby Fischer was on. Chess. Planning. So I watched it. I'd never seen it and was surprised at how well-directed it was. And it reminded me of Fresh because of the main theme (chess), though the stories weren't anything alike. Fresh was much more like watching a chess game -- a very violent chess game -- unfold on screen. Bobby Fischer was about adults coming to their senses.

Or will I see you dear and wish I could come back
You found a girl that you could truly love again
Will you still call for me when she falls asleep
Or do we soon forget the things we cannot see?

I'm going to be out of town this weekend at the KC Renfest. I have a lot of work tonight and tomorrow to finish up before I can go on my mini-vacation, so no updates for a bit. I miss you all, and I'll think of you while I'm walking about the faire. :)   >> 8:39:13 PM 
 
 
A couple years ago a friend of mine told me s/he wished s/he had been picked to work at a special place, and complained that someone else had gotten the position. "Why didn't I get it?" s/he complained. "I'm special, aren't I? Being picked for this thing would have confirmed my specialness. What did that other person have that I don't?"

I think about that conversation from time to time, and finally puzzled my way through it. On the surface, I knew that the reason s/he didn't get it -- and was complaining about not having gotten it -- was because s/he wanted it too much. But I couldn't get pass the surface understanding to the core until now. Let's see if I have this right.

Fundamentally, if a person wants something -- fame, respect, a title, a million dollars -- and then complains bitterly about their own inherent deservedness when they don't get it, the issue isn't the object of their desire, but their own self esteem -- despite claims to the contrary. Instead of turning inward, they are looking to something outside themselves that will magically make up for something they think they don't have.

But it doesn't. Being a priest or a webmaster or an author doesn't make me special; I am my own special. Strip away my priesthood, my websites, what little writing fame I have acquired -- I am still pretty amazing.

But here's the trick, whether you denounce it as a greeting card sentiment or not: We all are pretty fucking amazing. I don't think many people sincerely and honestly realize that, though. They take being fired or turned down as losing "the last bit of pride they have". I read that on some random website last week, and it reminded me of my friend, and I thought (very strongly), "But that's not true...."

No one can ever really take your inherent amazingness away from you. I knew that on the surface before, but I figured it out on a deeper level yesterday while driving to work.

It's the basic things that take the longest to sink in for me.   >> 1:57:49 AM 
 
 

10.11.2000

Okay. That thing? That I said? About the retreat pages? The nebulous they decided to replace my computer at work and wipe my harddrive to put Windows 2000 on...which means I spent all of today with the tech collective troubleshooting problems with my new system, and have only just now started reinstalling everything.

If we had DSL at home I'd just go home to work on things, but we don't. Still waiting for that to show up. But on the bright side, I got a nice royalty check this time around, which will make the renaissance festival very enjoyable.

I can't bitch too much. If I'd known I'd have advised putting this off a day because it's set back the release of the SimuCon site. Me, being the webmaster of the site, and me, being unable to get to the files necessary to make changes to it, makes it impossible to publish. But I didn't think through what all it entailed when they said they'd be installing Windows 2000 on my machine here so...oh well.

Back to the bright side, I now have a PIII-733 here at work with 256 megs of RAM. And I added some more space, since my disks were starting to fill up again (downloading all of play.net will do that to ya).

So I really, really can't bitch too much. I am very happy with the upgrades, even if they are setting back projects. The upgrades will eliminate the multiple crashes a day I was experiencing from DreamWeaver, ImageStyler, PhotoShop, FireWorks, PaintShopPro, and Outlook all running at once. Heh. No, I'm not kidding.

Anyway, back to installing stuff.   >> 7:28:59 PM 
 
 

10.10.2000

Yay! I actually got something done on the Phoenix Coffee site. Now I need to go home and collapse.

Tomorrow night I work on the retreat pages. Promise.   >> 9:28:45 PM 
 
 
Damn you*, Lance Arthur. ;P

* Not really damned.   >> 4:07:58 PM 
 
 
I'm just too entirely used to working in an environment where it's not unusual for coworkers (and myself) to have weaponry hanging off the walls or lying on our desks. Thus, I didn't even notice Bruce got a claymore. Sheesh. Cool!

Something exciting may be developing, but I won't have a definite for another six months. Don't worry, it's not pregnancy, but it does involve the creation process. More to come someday.   >> 3:53:58 PM 
 
 
...and grow.   >> 12:34:53 PM 
 
 
Goodness!

How they grow.   >> 12:32:43 PM 
 
 
Argh. ARGH! Two hours into Yojimbo the recording cut off. Someone at Bravo! didn't block off the time for the movie correctly, so we got all the way to the last fifteen minutes of it, and the movie cut off because TiVos only record within the time they're told to record. Argh! Netflix, save me!

What we saw of the film was really good by 1961 standards. I mean...actual fight scene choreography...who'd have thunk it! Yojimbo is the film that Fistful of Dollars and Last Man Standing were both based on...and I was really enjoying the original when it abruptly cut off. ARGH!

It threw me off completely. I tried to make cocoa to cheer myself up, and wound up throwing molten chocolate across my kitchen. Then I came downstairs to write, and discovered a HUGE FREAKING SPIDER crawling across the floor. I dropped a high school yearbook (1992, I think) on it. I think it's dead, but I'm not sure. I'll leave the yearbook there for a few days, just to make sure.

I am pleased to say, however, that I can now identify when Japanese men are cussing. And when the translator is wimping out or deliberately mistranslating said curse words in order to save the delicate ears of its Western audience. :)
 

One more to go. I was dreaming about making my sister a salve for her belly last night. Maybe I ought to.   >> 1:01:36 PM 
 
 
"It's S&M day at the Field Museum!"

Thanks, Dave. :)   >> 12:17:30 PM 
 
 
Which reminds me....

I really, really, really missed this show. It's been four years since I've been able to watch it consistently, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes when I saw we can not only watch it now, but my TiVo -- we'll settle on a name for her later -- will faithfully and happily record every single instance of it. It's like going back to college without the professors or annoying pot-smoking roommates or bland food. I so missed being able to watch bad movies and laugh at not only the acting, but the hilarious commentary.

I thought maybe the last couple of seasons they'd gotten bad. Trace Beaulieu leaving, I thought, would render the show unwatchable, but I was surprised that Bill Corbett pulls off Crow T. Robot rather well. As a Joel and Dr. Forrester fan, I still miss the really old school MST3K, but if Pumaman was any indication, the last few seasons weren't all that bad after all.

Anyway. I did say I was going to bed, right? Right. Kay. I'm going. Just making up for missing Saturday. Or something.   >> 2:42:22 AM 
 
 
Whoa. It's 2:30 am. What the heck am I doing blogging? See, this is what happens when I start researching, no doubt about it. What's worse is I only wrote about four pages -- the rest was all etymology stuff. "Umiji means brother, using the masculine suffix of -ji. As you know, the Medui language defaults to the feminine when gender is not specified..."

I know, I know. I should have a reason for why the language defaults to the feminine since very few known languages on this planet do that. I think I like this explanation the best: "Cuz I wanna." German, I'm told, defaults to the feminine, and I know advertisements in America for baby products often use the feminine instead of the masculine (or did in some of the copy I've read), but I think that's for psychological impact.

Man, that cocoa-cinnamin raisin bread I made for breakfast smells good enough to eat now....

No no. Bad Steph. Must sleep....

...maybe just a little taste...y'know, to make sure it's good....

No. No! Bed! Now!

Aw. Okay.

If my talking to houses and feeling sorry for abandoned buildings is indicative of an anthropopathic nature, does that mean that talking to me and feeling sorry for myself indicates that I'm egopathic in nature? Just wondering.

Bed. Right.

When you want
the flavor of bacon....
(sung along to the Pumaman theme song)

I can listen to my damn j-pop music as loud as I want to, and no one cares.   >> 2:25:36 AM 
 
 

10.8.2000

I decided today to research gypsies since I'm using them in the book. You'd think this would be obvious, but I sometimes forget to do these things. It's very conducive to figuring out what the hell to do next.

The wedding of Metzeners was nice. I didn't cry, though I came close when they gave their vows, and I even danced once. I mentioned last night to Jeff and Dave on the drive back that if I have a wedding, I'll have to have the usual reception with a dance floor, as well as a bank of computers with StarCraft loaded onto them so my family can do their dancing happiness thing, and my techie-friends can blow each other up.

You know, I'd also probably -- being the control freak I am -- pick out the music we'd play. Basement Jaxx and Dag, for starters. I would have danced to "Supercollider" if they'd played it last night. And I think "The Kind of Love You Never Recover From" or "If You" would have to be the song I danced to with my husband, because they're not the type of love songs people would expect or be able to sing along to.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to choose my women of honor to stand with me. This is a Western wedding thing where you are forced to stick three or four women you admire most into hideous dresses and make them stand up there with you, y'know, just in case you decide to break for it and need someone to cover your back while you run for the door. My sisters both put me in purple -- PURPLE -- so I will probably put them in purple, however I may be forgiving and put them in green since I like the color. (Jenny is probably going to remind me that my dress was eggplant, not purple, but that didn't keep me from looking like a walking bruise.)

I don't think I'm going to wear a white dress. I'm already white enough as-is. I think I'd rather have something in dark blue and silver, and I'll probably wear black sneakers since I don't do well in heels, as my family knows. I will let someone other than me do my make-up and hair.

We don't have an official marriage ceremony in Kemetic Orthodoxy aside from signing a contract, so I get to do what I want around that. Since this is as much for me and my future husband as well as our families, I'll be keeping them in mind when I make them all don chicken suits and walk into the giant henhouse where the wedding ceremony will be performed. My sisters's feathers will, of course, be purple.

Of course, most of my best friends are male, making finding the three other maids-of-honor a little difficult for me. I can't imagine Dave or Jeff in a dress, but I'm sure with enough lace they'll be fine. Donna will look smashing, as always. Even in purple.

Finally, I probably will have an emcee for my wedding reception, and I even have someone very special in mind for that. I think he'd be perfect. Don't you?   >> 8:12:19 PM 
 
 

10.6.2000

These fabrics would be great for making outfits if I, uh, knew anything about sewing and owned a sewing machine.   >> 12:10:36 PM 
 
 
More Japanese Urban Myths (the first word in the name of the file this is linked to means "scary" in Japanese -- kowai). This was apparently collected by a bunch of Japanese school kids.   >> 1:39:46 AM 
 
 
So you know what used to scare me as a kid? The Bloody Mary urban myth. The one where you stand in your bathroom in the dark, staring into your bathroom mirror, and say, "blooDYmaRYblooDYmaRYblooDYmaRY" until, supposedly, a pale woman with blood all over her pops out of the mirror and kills you.

Of course, why anyone would do something like that deliberately is past me, but that's childhood for you.

The sinister/murdering spirit-woman myth is not an uncommon idea. In Mexico, you have the Wailing Woman (La Llorona) who comes out after midnight. The story goes that she got pregnant and killed her child, and out of remorse for this act she wanders around the outskirts of cities after a certain hour, wailing for her child. If you hear her, you go mad or you die or you become a Britney Spears fan -- a fate worse than death. My Latin American friends used to be mortally terrified of this spirit woman; to the point that they would head home before midnight in order to avoid the chance of meeting up with the Wailing Woman.

In Japan, I guess the equivalent of this spirit woman is Toilet Hanako. She's not just a character in Haunted Junction; no sir, there's an actual urban legend amongst Japanese children of a girl who comes up out of toilets to do whatever she wants to people. Or she drips blood on them from the ceiling above.

But while that's icky and all, I just don't think I could ever be legitimately terrified of a spirit named "Toilet Hanako".   >> 1:12:25 AM 
 
 
Oh. My. God.

I can't tell if I want to run screaming or pre-order one.   >> 12:18:00 AM 
 
 

10.5.2000

Nevermind. Ignore all sympathy I had for the EverQuest people. This response clarifies that they did, in fact, ban the person for writing a story -- and out of respect for my competition, I have no comment on that sort of practice.   >> 7:05:36 PM 
 
 
Wrongo! Hee.

Doc says my hormones are fine. My thyroid is fine. My triglycerides are too high, but "It's nothing to worry about until you hit menopause." I think I'll worry about it a little anyway. This was a good reason to try and eat healthy.

I may not be ovulating, though. I think it's the stress, he thinks it might be associated with a condition and has instructed me to keep a detailed menses diary to bring in six months from now. And I have to get another blood test around then.

I don't have plans to keep said diary here -- or if I do, it'll be separate from 5x5. Blogging it would make it awfully convenient (and kind of interesting in a clinical sort of way).

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise,
Put up a parking lot

Yeah. I thought it was kind of weird, too.   >> 1:45:23 PM 
 
 
Oh...dear...she got in mimosa wax...and osmanthus absolute...and I have no money for a month.

Must...be...strong.

I guess I'm not yet over that aromatherapy thing, eh?

So, look, I know over in the ranks of EverQuest today that the big news is a player was banned for roleplaying, but forgive me if I'm skeptical. I've been in the business several years, and I know that sometimes people do stupid things, but I also know that players tend to make some pretty wild claims. Like "I was locked out for roleplaying!" when they fail to add that they were also scamming people, abusing the system, in violation of TOS, yada yada.

The kicker is that most companies have a policy of not disclosing the actual reasons for account terminations or blockings to the public. And we do have our reasons -- trust me, it's extremely frustrating to see your customers reacting to something another customer has said when you know the customer in question is leaving out important information or even flat-out lying.

Not saying that EverQuest didn't lock this girl out for writing the story. I read the story -- it was surprisingly well-written for fanfic, but it struck me as something that didn't necessarily need to be written. Regardless, she didn't go into nearly as much detail as she could have, and while I wouldn't consider it tasteful, I would say it's not as raunchy or disgusting as it could have been -- just creepy (in that way that just saying the words "nails on a chalkboard" can be creepy).

Anyway, I don't know for certain what happened, and as such, I cannot judge the matter. If you want to know two of the great secrets I have learned from my life as a GameMaster and, yes, a priest, it's this -- respect confidentiality, and never lay judgment on anyone until you've heard the full story.

And how to spell judgment. J-U-D-G-M-E-N-T.

Anyway, my hard-won gamer instincts tell me there's more to this than just a slightly icky story set in the EverQuest universe, but I'm also pretty sure we'll never know for certain.

And my hard-won GameMaster shields are also telling me I should probably shaddap on the matter now. ;)   >> 1:18:19 PM 
 
 

10.4.2000

Okay, this is what I mean by bad Bast information. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this statue sold as Bast when it's Maahes (or Nefertem, or one of the other male cat-headed Names). Not to reflect badly on the site (they have some neat merchandise), but to anyone who's spent any small amount of time studying Egypt -- and especially for an online shop calling itself "Egyptworld" -- it should be obvious this isn't Bast or even a female divinity. Not only is it dressed in a man's kilt, it doesn't even have breasts. In fact, peering at the hieroglyphs at the base of that statue...I can see that they make out "ym.n" (Amen). Hm. A form of Amen? Never heard of Amen as a cat. Modern convention? Very likely.

But Bast? No. My Mother comes fully equipped with all feminine parts and accessories.   >> 3:41:56 PM 
 
 
If you've got to put me in a dress, this is the one I want.   >> 3:33:58 PM 
 
 
It occurs to me that there are times when I do things that seem kind of...unscrupulous.

That is to say, I tend to go off and do what I want to do, and I don't always remember to ask for permission.

And it's after I'm done that I remember -- oh, wait, I bet that person would have liked it if I asked them before I did that.

But then, one of Vern's favorite quotes -- which he, in turn, got from Roger I believe -- was: "It's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission."

Not that I entirely agree with that. Oh, no.

Why is Roger on my mind today? It must be the autumn season.   >> 3:23:16 PM 
 
 
For those of you who wanted a visual of the Steph TiVo Dance: here you go. Heh.   >> 3:09:10 PM 
 
 
Presidential Nutrition: George W. Bush. Heh.   >> 1:32:56 PM 
 
 
Heh. Bubba has reminded me of an interesting thing that seems to happen here at Mooville -- a lot of us are very close friends, and in many cases it's not in the typical type of relationship one usually sees with friends. That is, there are many of us who are excellent friends with the opposite sex without being romantically involved.

For example, you have:

• Me, Dave, and Jeff
• Melissa and Bubba
• Bruce and Suz

I'm not talking about casual friendship, either. I mean we're friends in that deep, strong way that friends can be. I would probably relate it to brother-sister ties, except not really. Maybe it's that we're all so far from our families for the most part, we've created families to fill the void.

Not that I'm saying they replace my family, but it's that kind of friendship.

Of course...there are exceptions to the rule. Nora and Greg, Mike and Beth, Chris and Dave...

And now that I think of it, Roger was very close friends with Suz and Susan and a few of the others.

Well, we're just a fascinating little excercise in community, ain't we?   >> 1:03:10 PM 
 
 
My guestbook on per-Bast.org is broken. The code owned by the bastiches over at HTML Gear must have freaked when it got to 250 entries. I'm debating over just taking it down altogether...except that it is handy as a place for people to stuff nice thoughts about a site instead of sending me email that I don't have the time to answer.

I came into work to find basil on my desk. I will be cooking it with dinner tonight. Thanks, Suz!

I really am trying to get as many of you as possible into my list of blogs, but it's starting to get a little hairy. There's too many of you. ;)

I think I figured out where things went askew with the book, and I've been trying a new approach by deviating from a point where I did something I didn't expect to do. I used to think it was cool when my characters did things I didn't expect; now I'm starting to realize that there are times where it's not all that cool. Words are a lot more valuable to me now than they were five years ago...going to that panel at Archon reminded me of just how far I still have to go, though. It's a hassle and even a touch depressing, but I won't give up.

So I did a bunch more "invisible" work on Kemet.org yesterday -- stuff most viewers will never see. And hopefully soon -- as in, a few days from now -- I'll finish the retreat pages, like I've been promising. Gomen nasai. Things have been busy.   >> 12:52:03 PM 
 
 

10.3.2000

My TiVo arrived and guess what? It's the 30-hour one.

Bwahahahaahahahha.   >> 12:53:00 PM 
 
 
This child was genetically selected to be born in order to save his sister's life.

Now how do you explain that to the kid when he gets older?   >> 12:31:50 PM 
 
 
And there, in the checkout aisle of Wal-Mart, I saw them.

"What the--?" I blurted.

"Hunh?" said the checkout girl.

"Microwaveable pork rinds??" I babbled.

"Hunh?" the girl behind her said.

"What the hell?" I burbled.

Pork. It haunts me.   >> 1:15:18 AM 
 
 

10.2.2000

Okay, I have to know -- where the hell is all the bad information on Bast coming from?

I know of one source -- who I won't even link to, because he/she doesn't deserve the attention -- that is chock full of profound stupidity about my spiritual Parent, but even he/she can't possibly account for all this crap. Let's look at what I found on a website while perusing my daily Tracerlock yieldings:

Bast is sometimes depicted as a seated black cat; often with kittens clustered about Her feet, because this is considered to be the form She takes while on the mortal plane. Sometimes though, she is depicted as a bare- breasted woman with the head of a cat; for this image represents Her in the form She takes in the Afterlife.

Hello? What? "This is the form She takes while on the mortal plane." Where the hell did this come from? Considered by who? "This is the form She takes in the Afterlife." What? What?? This is the form we find on countless Late Period statues that I assure you did not come from the afterlife. On Her temples She was always shown as a woman with a lion's head, for cripes sake!

And let's not forget the site that was probably drawing from my site, but elaborating by saying that Bast was originally depicted as a woman with the head of a jungle cat.

Hello? Jungles?

IN EGYPT?

Do these people -- people who claim to be following "the old ways" when, in fact, they're making up entirely new ways, whether inadvertantly or not -- even care? Do they do any research at all?? Do they think about the words that are coming out of their mouth and what they really mean?

Argh!!

And now you all know why I am completely and irrevocably insane.   >> 7:16:02 PM 
 
 
Suz, baby...it's very close to a daily journal now.   >> 2:08:39 PM 
 
 
Can someone please explain to me why so many people love Tenchi Muyo? I've watched seven episodes so far, and out of those seven only one was funny enough to make me laugh out loud. The characters are okay -- I admit I kind of like Tenchi, Washu, and Ryoko -- but that's three characters out of twenty or so. Maybe it's because I'm watching the TV series. I am watching it subtitled, I might add, and it's still not all that funny or touching or whatever it's supposed to be.

Now Trigun, on the other hand...bwahahahaha. We love Trigun! Peace and LOVE! Peace and LOVE!

So at 9:30 pm on Saturday night, we finally closed up the old apartment and slipped our keys through a dropslot at the Remington office. Toward the end, when I was scrubbing out the pantry and the fridge, I found myself staying true to my anthropopathic nature as I began talking to the apartment and telling it we really appreciated the time we'd spent with it, even if our landlords could be a bit of a bear, but that it had just gotten too small and too expensive, and that it was time for us to move on.

Um...right. I talk to houses.

But, really, I do think that everything has a spirit of its own...maybe not sentient, maybe not alive in the way that people and animals are alive, but there are memories and feelings and moments attached to places. And I wanted the place to know we didn't hate it, but that it was time to move on.

It's an apartment. It understands.   >> 2:00:11 PM